That feeling of a feeling

Inevitably, that time has come. It was lurking  around for a time, watching every move, every blink, every twitch of a finger, waiting for the moment. And then it struck, no remorse.

The hollow from within started… feeling. It feels its own emptiness that has been consuming it all along. It didn’t bothered until now, but it started behaving like a stomach which has been left empty for too long. It growls, it twists and turns, screams as it drowns in the acid of so many unspoken words and unshared feelings.

And it’s not alone in its feeling, but definitely lonely. Drops of poisonous tastes and disturbing hints of fragrances gather hour by hour, moment by moment, thought by thought, flooding and suffocating what was up until recently only a hollow space. The new feeling is overwhelming and, like the screams in a bad dream, it has no audience, no rescue but the inner self – the weak and cowardly inner self.

Reverse mirror

Someone else’s story. Someone else’s life.

Someone else’s happiness, someone else’s peace, someone else’s love.

Someone else’s fears and frustrations – someone else’s depressions.

Someone else’s tears of joy, someone else’s screams of passion.

Someone else’s heart, someone else’s confessions.

Someone else’s embrace, someone else’s kiss.

Someone else’s mirror.

Your mirror.

Your hands, your lips.

Your broken, your unheard.

Your eyes, your silence.

Your courage and desire – your hope.

Your sadness, your war, your hate.

Not your story, not your life – someone else’s.

Lily of the valley

I could see the bright almost full Moon through the dusty windows. I was staring blankly at it, thinking of nothing in particular until I forgot for a moment who and where I am. You interrupted my moment of absent meditation by tracing the contour of my hips, lifting my shirt a bit, but just enough for the warmth of your hands to bring me back to reality. I turned my head – you smiled. I like that.

You asked me what made me lose myself in deep thought. Am I that obvious or did you just guess? Nevermind, I am glad you were there to keep me safe from… what, bedbugs? Or maybe my own negligence. I turned back towards you like a lazy cat (ugh, I don’t really like cats, but I can’t help it when you know how to make me purr) and touched your cheek. You still had your smile on, so I couldn’t help not telling you how dumb you look. This time you really laughed. I just insulted you and you laugh. And I thought I was the weird one…

You pulled me closer and told me my weirdness is adorable. That’s it, I declare you insane. You have to be, otherwise you would have run at the first sign of me getting familiar and closing the distance. I finally opened my heart, you opened your eyes and you weren’t scared a bit of what you have found. You must have some sick fetish to embrace something so dysfunctional and repulsing. I was terrified, but you held my hand and told me everything is alright.  Poor fellow, you should be made a saint, for you will often be a martyr in this act we play.

You got closer and closer, until your lips embraced mine; your hand made its way up my sleeve that barely covered my tensed shoulder. I couldn’t imagine in a million years that the defense wall of a cold castle would ever be passed and the latter warmed and resurrected. I even had a pet dragon, but you’ve tamed that too. Unacceptable. Yet, here I am, without my defenses but still feeling protected. I’m growing strong and blooming for you to enjoy every part of it.

I forgot about the Moon. I close my eyes and sharpened my senses. I feel warm, I hear the growing rhythm of our breaths, I can smell the lily-of-the-valley bouquet from across the room that you brought me this afternoon, I can taste your dumb smile. Everything else is darkness and dust.

When I woke up in the morning, all that was left beside me were an empty sheet and the smell of coffee.

To those ones and the others

Giving some recent events, I was persuaded by some inner force to think about and consider the people and what happens around me. I will make this short, I’m too afraid to lose the thoughts.

I am grateful. For meeting the ones that made me happy, gave me courage, and the ones who condescended and excluded me. I had a lot to learn from both of them.

Thank you, you who were there for me even though you weren’t physically there. The one who held my back when I was such a fool to think I didn’t need it. Thank you for the good times.

Thank you, you who the others see for what you are not. The one who keeps a promise, creates, inspires, dreams in full colour and holds the head and dignity high no matter what.

Thank you, you whose words resonate with what I never have the courage to say. The one who can read underneath a closed cover. The one who understands the language of beauty in all its forms. The ambitious one, the one who follows the path and never looks back unless it brings back love, laugh and tears of joy.

And thank YOU, you who put up with a lot of storms and rain. The one who was there from afar. The one whose moral slaps in the face were (and are still) welcomed rather than the others’ poisonous sweet words. The one who talked for hours and listened for days. The one who both disappointed and then gave hope again.  The rational and spiritual who inspires fear and safety. The mature child. The one from whom I learned and who never learned from me. The one who desperately runs away and who I stubbornly hold close.

And thank you, the others who looked from above, threw the stone, turned the back, said I waste my time, said I waste my life, say I am too cold, too sarcastic, too fat, too ugly, too common, too quiet and not good enough. I learned to spot you early and keep my distance.

People who…

…whine and cry and feel bad about themselves – and yet do nothing to change things for the better. They condemn and despise the one who lives his life as one of an age should: with few money but with lots of friends, people to talk with, people to learn from and new experiences. People who have it all but value nothing, versus people who basically have nothing but value all what they receive.

…are there. They listen. They sometimes even share. They understand, they know even though they are not there or if you haven’t spoken to in weeks, months. They are your real treasure, not the ones you see and speak with daily about sweet nothings.

…you love and miss. They might not return the feelings, but it’s something enough for you to feel human.

But there is still something missing. Safety? Perhaps. And there is that empty place that, the way things have gone until present, it will definitely stay like that forever; because some things are simply not meant for everyone. Accept it and be pleased with the rest or go mad obsessing about it.

Random

I felt like saying this for quite some time. I don’t know who you are or how you feel right now, you deserve it. And maybe I know who you are; you deserve it too, even more. Because you are wonderful and beautiful and blessed, all of you. Stay strong.

I love you

Someone to talk to

I happened to stumble upon these words-on-image just after I had such a day – the kind of day you wish to sit back and relax, have a cup of tea and a good conversation with someone. And trust me, there is nothing more inspiring than the right conversation at the right moment.

You will have conversations with almost every person you meet, but not all will be useful. There are people who do nothing more than whine and feel bad about themselves. They stay wherever some authority puts them, too afraid to say out loud what they really want, if they want something. Sometimes they don’t even know what they want and continue with more whining and resenting. If you happen to find them, accept them. If they want to change, help them… be patient. If they don’t, leave. These people are toxic and their negative energy will slowly take hold of you, whether you’ll notice or not. Leave and don’t look back unless something has changed into the better. If you look back, you are lost.

Stay close to people with dreams that can come true, people who try, people who take one step at a time but never give up, people with talents and vision, someone who can inspire you and from whom you can learn. Someone to keep you going. Someone you will be happy to share success and defeat, someone you will be happy to be by his side and help carry on with his or her dreams.

Remember that the right conversation with the right person can trigger unlimited ideas. Listen and learn from everyone, but more important listen to the one you look up to. That someone who shares your principles even though he or she does not share your dream. Look up to the one who hurts you for your own good, not to the one who hurts you for his own pleasure. Listen to the first and “detox” yourself from the other.

Talk to someone and bloom. Remember that that someone might be also blooming in the meantime.

Continuum

Sunt acele zile pe care le știi bine.

Sunt zilele în care alarma sună la aceeași oră, 7 zile din șapte, și nu te deranjează. O închizi și îți permiți să mai închizi un ochi, să mai respiri încet și ritmat, să mai stai de veghe între beznă și senin. Încă 5 minute.

Sunt zilele în care micul-dejun se pregătește cu grijă, pierdut în detalii și arome. Când nu știi cum să-l faci mai sănătos și mai senin.

Sunt zilele în care cafeaua are timp să se răcească și ciocolata la desert să se topească.

Sunt zilele în care mail-urile se verifică unul câte unul. La fel și newsletter-ul. E timp pentru ”like” la toate pozele de peste noapte.

Sunt zilele în care prânzul e magie în bucătărie, explozie de mirodenii, avalanșă de culori, arhitectură, chimie, psihoterapie.

Sunt zilele în care se beau cele 8 pahare de apă (plată).

Sunt zilele în care telefonul nu sună.

Sunt zilele în care visele sunt vise și așa o să rămână.

Sunt zilele în care paginile curg, și curg și curg și curg…

Sunt zilele în care servești ceai și filme clasice la cină.

Sunt zilele în care buzele nu se despart. Nici ochii nu zâmbesc.

Sunt zilele în care muzica de pe YouTube parcă se termină.

Sunt zilele în care te gândești la ei și ele de parcă au încetat să mai existe de acum un secol.

Sunt zilele în care te gândești la cum ai fost tu și cum va fi el.

Sunt zilele în care iei cele mai importante decizii din viața ta. Apoi apeși din nou Enter și uiți totul.

Sunt zilele ca nopțile și serile ca diminețile.

Sunt zilele în care hainele de casă devin una cu pielea ta, iar hainele noi plâng însingurate după parfumul tău.

Sunt zilele în care se tocește o singură pereche de ghete.

Sunt zilele în care organicul prinde mucegai, inorganicul expiră.

Sunt zilele în care doar respiri.

Sunt zilele de care vrei să uiți.

De care îți era teamă.

De care vrei să fugi.

De care vrei să scapi.

Sunt zilele tale. Unde le-ai pierdut?

Storm

Now, what? Where to go? What to do? Where to begin?

Good times seem too far away or maybe the chance is already missed. And the worst part is that I didn’t even start. To quote a popular book character “You know nothing!“. 

Nothing. 🙂

There are so many chances out there, but it’s useless when you know nothing. And it’s too late to start learning something, especially when you want to learn so many while they want you to know just one.

And there’s the other part that’s even more disgraceful. What human can like that which not even a god of this world bothers to notice?

In this case, it’s better to give up and stop consuming undeserved resources.

Back to basics

Știți cum e când ai sclipirea aceea ce îți trage ușor mințile către locul unde ar trebui să fie, să crească și să înflorească? E senzația care îți ridică Eul amorțit din patul blazării și te face să îți dai o palmă peste fața inexpresivă care a uitat să zâmbească.

Tresari și te întrebi buimac unde ai fost până acum. Ce-ai făcut? De ce nu ai făcut? De ce te gândeai departe când răspunsul e chiar în fața ta, în mintea ta, de ceva timp.

Trebuie să te întorci la ceea ce erai odată. Aveai prezență de spirit – mică, timidă, dar era acolo. Aveai idei, trăiri. Creai. Te inspira oricine și orice, dar mai ales acel ceva și acel cineva. Unde-ai fost? Hai, stânga-mprejur și treci înapoi! Înapoi la origini.

Înapoi la artă, la poezie, la texte abstracte cu subînțeles numai de tine știut. Înapoi la muzică, la versuri, la tușe de culoare sau linii monocrome. Înapoi la zâmbete sincere și la priviri curioase. Înapoi la natură, la aer, apă, pământ și foc. Înapoi la sunete, imagini și cuvinte. Înapoi la ceea ce cultivai cândva, nu lăsa lăstarul să se usuce, pentru că o să te usuci și tu – spirit și trup – o dată cu el!

Înapoi la partea întunecată, pentru că numai în întuneric poți vedea lumina. Spatele drept, poziție încrezătoare, curaj. Curaj să spui cine ești, ce ești și ce vrei. Curaj să vrei ceva!

Poate că dacă asculți, vorbești, mângâi un câine, salvezi un urs, plantezi un copac și poate dacă vorbești cu toată sinceritatea, spui adevărul, preferi să te exprimi ca din topor, în metafore, în cuvinte puține, poate așa nu o să obții vreodată un job într-o corporație, în marketing, în comunicare, în orice… dar vei obține și vei păstra ceea ce ai mai de preț și nu-ți poate schimba sau lua nimeni în afară de tine.