That feeling of a feeling

Inevitably, that time has come. It was lurking  around for a time, watching every move, every blink, every twitch of a finger, waiting for the moment. And then it struck, no remorse.

The hollow from within started… feeling. It feels its own emptiness that has been consuming it all along. It didn’t bothered until now, but it started behaving like a stomach which has been left empty for too long. It growls, it twists and turns, screams as it drowns in the acid of so many unspoken words and unshared feelings.

And it’s not alone in its feeling, but definitely lonely. Drops of poisonous tastes and disturbing hints of fragrances gather hour by hour, moment by moment, thought by thought, flooding and suffocating what was up until recently only a hollow space. The new feeling is overwhelming and, like the screams in a bad dream, it has no audience, no rescue but the inner self – the weak and cowardly inner self.

Reverse mirror

Someone else’s story. Someone else’s life.

Someone else’s happiness, someone else’s peace, someone else’s love.

Someone else’s fears and frustrations – someone else’s depressions.

Someone else’s tears of joy, someone else’s screams of passion.

Someone else’s heart, someone else’s confessions.

Someone else’s embrace, someone else’s kiss.

Someone else’s mirror.

Your mirror.

Your hands, your lips.

Your broken, your unheard.

Your eyes, your silence.

Your courage and desire – your hope.

Your sadness, your war, your hate.

Not your story, not your life – someone else’s.

Lily of the valley

I could see the bright almost full Moon through the dusty windows. I was staring blankly at it, thinking of nothing in particular until I forgot for a moment who and where I am. You interrupted my moment of absent meditation by tracing the contour of my hips, lifting my shirt a bit, but just enough for the warmth of your hands to bring me back to reality. I turned my head – you smiled. I like that.

You asked me what made me lose myself in deep thought. Am I that obvious or did you just guess? Nevermind, I am glad you were there to keep me safe from… what, bedbugs? Or maybe my own negligence. I turned back towards you like a lazy cat (ugh, I don’t really like cats, but I can’t help it when you know how to make me purr) and touched your cheek. You still had your smile on, so I couldn’t help not telling you how dumb you look. This time you really laughed. I just insulted you and you laugh. And I thought I was the weird one…

You pulled me closer and told me my weirdness is adorable. That’s it, I declare you insane. You have to be, otherwise you would have run at the first sign of me getting familiar and closing the distance. I finally opened my heart, you opened your eyes and you weren’t scared a bit of what you have found. You must have some sick fetish to embrace something so dysfunctional and repulsing. I was terrified, but you held my hand and told me everything is alright.  Poor fellow, you should be made a saint, for you will often be a martyr in this act we play.

You got closer and closer, until your lips embraced mine; your hand made its way up my sleeve that barely covered my tensed shoulder. I couldn’t imagine in a million years that the defense wall of a cold castle would ever be passed and the latter warmed and resurrected. I even had a pet dragon, but you’ve tamed that too. Unacceptable. Yet, here I am, without my defenses but still feeling protected. I’m growing strong and blooming for you to enjoy every part of it.

I forgot about the Moon. I close my eyes and sharpened my senses. I feel warm, I hear the growing rhythm of our breaths, I can smell the lily-of-the-valley bouquet from across the room that you brought me this afternoon, I can taste your dumb smile. Everything else is darkness and dust.

When I woke up in the morning, all that was left beside me were an empty sheet and the smell of coffee.

To those ones and the others

learn to appreciate

Giving some recent events, I was persuaded by some inner force to think about and consider the people and what happens around me. I will make this short, I’m too afraid to lose the thoughts.

I am grateful. For meeting the ones that made me happy, gave me courage, and the ones who condescended and excluded me. I had a lot to learn from both of them.

Thank you, you who were there for me even though you weren’t physically there. The one who held my back when I was such a fool to think I didn’t need it. Thank you for the good times.

Thank you, you who the others see for what you are not. The one who keeps a promise, creates, inspires, dreams in full colour and holds the head and dignity high no matter what.

Thank you, you whose words resonate with what I never have the courage to say. The one who can read underneath a closed cover. The one who understands the language of beauty in all its forms. The ambitious one, the one who follows the path and never looks back unless it brings back love, laugh and tears of joy.

And thank YOU, you who put up with a lot of storms and rain. The one who was there from afar. The one whose moral slaps in the face were (and are still) welcomed rather than the others’ poisonous sweet words. The one who talked for hours and listened for days. The one who both disappointed and then gave hope again.  The rational and spiritual who inspires fear and safety. The mature child. The one from whom I learned and who never learned from me. The one who desperately runs away and who I stubbornly hold close.

And thank you, the others who looked from above, threw the stone, turned the back, said I waste my time, said I waste my life, say I am too cold, too sarcastic, too fat, too ugly, too common, too quiet and not good enough. I learned to spot you early and keep my distance.

People who…

…whine and cry and feel bad about themselves – and yet do nothing to change things for the better. They condemn and despise the one who lives his life as one of an age should: with few money but with lots of friends, people to talk with, people to learn from and new experiences. People who have it all but value nothing, versus people who basically have nothing but value all what they receive.

…are there. They listen. They sometimes even share. They understand, they know even though they are not there or if you haven’t spoken to in weeks, months. They are your real treasure, not the ones you see and speak with daily about sweet nothings.

…you love and miss. They might not return the feelings, but it’s something enough for you to feel human.

But there is still something missing. Safety? Perhaps. And there is that empty place that, the way things have gone until present, it will definitely stay like that forever; because some things are simply not meant for everyone. Accept it and be pleased with the rest or go mad obsessing about it.

Random

I felt like saying this for quite some time. I don’t know who you are or how you feel right now, you deserve it. And maybe I know who you are; you deserve it too, even more. Because you are wonderful and beautiful and blessed, all of you. Stay strong.

I love you

Continuum

Sunt acele zile pe care le știi bine.

Sunt zilele în care alarma sună la aceeași oră, 7 zile din șapte, și nu te deranjează. O închizi și îți permiți să mai închizi un ochi, să mai respiri încet și ritmat, să mai stai de veghe între beznă și senin. Încă 5 minute.

Sunt zilele în care micul-dejun se pregătește cu grijă, pierdut în detalii și arome. Când nu știi cum să-l faci mai sănătos și mai senin.

Sunt zilele în care cafeaua are timp să se răcească și ciocolata la desert să se topească.

Sunt zilele în care mail-urile se verifică unul câte unul. La fel și newsletter-ul. E timp pentru ”like” la toate pozele de peste noapte.

Sunt zilele în care prânzul e magie în bucătărie, explozie de mirodenii, avalanșă de culori, arhitectură, chimie, psihoterapie.

Sunt zilele în care se beau cele 8 pahare de apă (plată).

Sunt zilele în care telefonul nu sună.

Sunt zilele în care visele sunt vise și așa o să rămână.

Sunt zilele în care paginile curg, și curg și curg și curg…

Sunt zilele în care servești ceai și filme clasice la cină.

Sunt zilele în care buzele nu se despart. Nici ochii nu zâmbesc.

Sunt zilele în care muzica de pe YouTube parcă se termină.

Sunt zilele în care te gândești la ei și ele de parcă au încetat să mai existe de acum un secol.

Sunt zilele în care te gândești la cum ai fost tu și cum va fi el.

Sunt zilele în care iei cele mai importante decizii din viața ta. Apoi apeși din nou Enter și uiți totul.

Sunt zilele ca nopțile și serile ca diminețile.

Sunt zilele în care hainele de casă devin una cu pielea ta, iar hainele noi plâng însingurate după parfumul tău.

Sunt zilele în care se tocește o singură pereche de ghete.

Sunt zilele în care organicul prinde mucegai, inorganicul expiră.

Sunt zilele în care doar respiri.

Sunt zilele de care vrei să uiți.

De care îți era teamă.

De care vrei să fugi.

De care vrei să scapi.

Sunt zilele tale. Unde le-ai pierdut?