This is not a melancholy post. This is not a tearjerker and I do not intend to go all peachy and fuzzy over small, insignificant things. This is a record of what I have learned – the nice or the hard way – and what I still have left.
Nothing is simple, and yet nothing is too complicated; as long as you know what to do. I didn’t. I was letting it all for later. I drifted in my comfort zone for too long, enjoying nothing but placebos that come and go like the wind in the summer… that summer when you promise to yourself you’ll do what you planned to do, yet end up doing nothing. That summer, and the next one, and the next one. And the last one. And then those thoughts start haunting you. “Should I travel? Should I work? Should I go home? Should I make my own home?”. You want to see the world, yet you want to built some sort of foundation. Then you realize that you would love to do things on your own and have some independence, yet doing things on your own takes time and effort and you have little support if any at all. Suddenly you’re too busy being divided on the inside to notice you’re still in the same place you were some time ago.
In the beginning you were very enthusiastic. In the end you wonder what the bloody hell were you thinking. Nothing fits your expectations, you can’t use what you have supposedly learned for the higher purpose, you feel locked and useless and lost, like a child separated from its parents in the middle of an amusement park on a busy Saturday. Then, when you feel like you’ve grown up a little, you realize you’re still too young to be treated seriously and yet too old to start from scratch. You tell yourself it will get better, but it doesn’t. And when it seems to get better it’s not very good for you on the long term. Regrets grow, frustration goes too damn high, confidence goes too damn low. People keep turning away, others betray you, use you or simply don’t care, doors are shut one after the other and paths seem to get tangled, fewer.
Let me tell you that everything starts from Nothing and it starts with One: you. Even when you think you have nothing, you still have yourself… and maybe more. You hate yourself? Good. Keep that thought and start proving yourself wrong. Sulk, whine, eat a bucket of ice-cream, cry yourself to sleep, but next day carry on. Don’t be scared or shy to admit that what you have now is small, be convinced that small things can get bigger with proper caring. And to support my point, I’ll share this:
So what if it’s fantasy, it applies to all of us. We all are in some kind of desert, walking like lunatics, days and nights. We have followers that may get lost on the way, but the true, loyal friends never leave our side. And we each have our “baby dragons” which are useless and fragile, but we mustn’t forget that they grow with us and it is our duty to keep them alive and healthy. Go ahead, be patient and grow your “dragons”. Yet don’t tricked by fake promises made when you are desperate at the gates of a so-called “prosperous city”, don’t trade your “dragons” for luxury.
Also, keep those loyal knights at your side and don’t lose too many of the ones that follow you because they believe in your strength (yes, you have that, don’t be modest!). Be happy for the times you spend with them, treat them as kindly as they treat you… even more. Don’t get bored, get creative. Listen. Smile. See beyond. Be thankful. They might not be as you expect them to be, but if they are as true to you as they can be and you feel it one way or another, appreciate it. If they don’t like you, if they keep you down, if they run away, it’s not for you, it’s not worth it, it’s just poison.
There. I said it. It has nothing to do with what I said in the beginning, but who cares. You still have nothing. Nothing but your “dragons” that can’t grow in a week like flowers in a pot, a desert ahead and a certainty that there may be some city that will receive you – not without a price – as an honored guest. And don’t get hasty to finish the book, you might skip the best parts.